women – freckled crab

Meh Mother’s Day

I was going to write a post for Mother’s Day, but I didn’t. It took me a little bit to realize why – it’s because my Mother’s Day was stinky.

I was a young single mom, and now my child is grown. I visited her a few months ago where it became apparent to me that although she likes texting me when I’m at my home, 2000 miles away, she does not enjoy my physical company. While I was there, sometimes she was rude, would say mean things but in a sweet voice, or go in to her room to nap and not come out for many hours. And I could see in her face – it was lockdown mode, like a garage door bumping down shut, and then her eyes drift off to her lower right – processing. Sometimes that she was both tolerating me and also not wanting to disappoint me. It’s a tough spot.

I understand there’s always a bit of regression when a child is near their parent, but when the parent travels 2000 miles just to do some things and spend some time, no need to be rude. I realized during that trip that I am now old and she is just not interested. Some of it is phase of life stuff, since I remember being her age and not super interested in my parents and feeling like I had to amuse them while they visited, instead of freaking unclenching and enjoying spending time with them like a normal human being (Oh my God I sound like my parents).

But also, because we grew up together, I think she feels a lot of responsibility for me emotionally, and now that she’s newly married with a husband who really depends on her, I don’t think she can carry the emotional burden of both of us. Not that I asked her to, but I’m thinking maybe she believes it’s baked into our relationship.

One Week Later

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Objectively, not personally. And I think I’ve found the answer:

I need to get a life.

Because for me: that just makes life better, right? Living life. Not waiting around for something to happen. And because for her: having a mom that is living life instead of shaking in the corner is so much better.

Simple shit, but I’m a slow learner.

Bad Internet Led To No Point

While we were eating dinner last night, I was watching my puppy in his pen. We have his old crate in there that we started keeping his toys in, and he was fussing with that. In the end, he realized he could get on the crate and that would make him higher up, and possibly closer to us, so he tried, and he did it, and it was a mess.

Much like that first paragraph.

But he did it.

So of course I turn it into something about ME and a life lesson that you’re supposed to learn in your adolescence. That’s why I’m here with you now, at 5:18 am, with only one cup of coffee in me, and fingers that are swollen from a salty dinner, still trying to get into practice of writing and not being afraid of an IMPERFECT MESS. A mess, I tell you.

///so I started this and my internet was lame and now it’s 8 pm and I’m watching Fargo by the fireplace. Hopefully tomorrow I will remember what point I was trying to make///

Late in the Covid game.

I’m gonna just post real quick. I think this is how it has to be. I don’t have the patience to carefully craft prose with perfect links and images, which gets kind of boring, don’t you think?

Anyway, anyone else getting Covid for the first time besides me and my husband?

I’m the culprit. My boss brought it into work and I got it and then it was a week until my husband got it. I’ve been testing positive for 7 days now and it’s annoying. However, I am lucky because it’s not that severe of a case. I’ve still walked my dogs twice a day (sometimes very short walks), and have been able to eat (a little).

It’s given me an opportunity to hang out with the dogs and kinda see life from their POV. I’ve learned that walks are great, but being in the house 90% of the time with the same companions can get boring AF.

The reason this is important is because our pack has doubled in size. We adopted a dog in August and got a puppy in October. More on this later.

Point is – I’ve got a heeler that is policing the new dogs and it’s causing issues. Her bossiness didn’t bother us before because it was fine with our lifestyle, so now we’ve changed the rules and want to curb some of her lifelong behaviors, but ideally do it in an organic way so that it’s not a punishing, stressful training. And also do it quickly.

Don’t laugh at me.

But for realz if you have experience with this type of situation let me know.

Shut Up, Pants!

Did I quit running? I’m not sure if I did. I ran and ran for four years, and now? Meh.

It started with a Super Spartan, then Disney Princess runs and Star Wars runs – half marathons, 10ks, a couple of 5ks in there to keep me honest. But now….

I know I need something to train for. I can’t just run to run. With my impending move to a much higher altitude, I’m also intimidated. I have low blood pressure and heartbeat already – I’m afraid I’ll pass out somewhere along the road in a new town.

I can see it now, me laying on the side of a country road, slightly concussed, calling my husband.

“Come get me. I’m concussed.”

“Where are you?” He would say, already in the car.

“I don’t know.”

And woe is me if I had our cattle dog with me, his baby.

Excuses, you say? I agree. There is nothing easier than being middle-aged and lazy.

I have started to stalk online a running club in my new town, thinking it will get me running and social (I am terribly introverted and so is my husband. Peas in a pod!).

However, I have noticed that my excess chub isn’t melting away like it used to. Before I could just use the power of thought, but now, post 40, it seems things have changed. At least that’s what my pants keep saying, and boy are they vocal!

“Lunges. Remember lunges?”

“When’s the last time you did a sit up?”

“A lap around the block wouldn’t hurt ‘ya. Take the cattle dog.”

Pants are nags. Not like tops.

The tight armholes in my blouses are more like “Well, this is interesting”, and my jersey tees just talk behind my back with my bra, something about doing push-ups and maybe dips. Jersey tees are kind of passive-aggressive come to think of it.

The bra? She’s just doing her best. Definitely not an instigator.

Maybe I will. Maybe I will start running again, just to shut them up. Stupid clothes. At least my leggings and tech tees are supportive. They’ve been clamoring to get out of the drawer anyway.

Aforementioned baby.