Life – freckled crab

Meh Mother’s Day

I was going to write a post for Mother’s Day, but I didn’t. It took me a little bit to realize why – it’s because my Mother’s Day was stinky.

I was a young single mom, and now my child is grown. I visited her a few months ago where it became apparent to me that although she likes texting me when I’m at my home, 2000 miles away, she does not enjoy my physical company. While I was there, sometimes she was rude, would say mean things but in a sweet voice, or go in to her room to nap and not come out for many hours. And I could see in her face – it was lockdown mode, like a garage door bumping down shut, and then her eyes drift off to her lower right – processing. Sometimes that she was both tolerating me and also not wanting to disappoint me. It’s a tough spot.

I understand there’s always a bit of regression when a child is near their parent, but when the parent travels 2000 miles just to do some things and spend some time, no need to be rude. I realized during that trip that I am now old and she is just not interested. Some of it is phase of life stuff, since I remember being her age and not super interested in my parents and feeling like I had to amuse them while they visited, instead of freaking unclenching and enjoying spending time with them like a normal human being (Oh my God I sound like my parents).

But also, because we grew up together, I think she feels a lot of responsibility for me emotionally, and now that she’s newly married with a husband who really depends on her, I don’t think she can carry the emotional burden of both of us. Not that I asked her to, but I’m thinking maybe she believes it’s baked into our relationship.

One Week Later

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Objectively, not personally. And I think I’ve found the answer:

I need to get a life.

Because for me: that just makes life better, right? Living life. Not waiting around for something to happen. And because for her: having a mom that is living life instead of shaking in the corner is so much better.

Simple shit, but I’m a slow learner.

I Hate the Term “Broken”

I really do. Saying someone is “broken”, when referring to an emotional state, just doesn’t make sense to me.

Why? Because they cry? Because they’re lost? Grieving something? Because they’re a mess?

Sure, some people are more resilient than others, and some stay down longer than others, but in my mind, never “broken”. That’s for a spoon or a bones or a computer. Feels very judgmental.

I’ve been noticing it a lot recently, and it’s been bothering me. Makes me mad when I hear it.

What I Learned While Housesitting

Friends were going on a 10 day trip and their planned house/dog sitter fell through, so in I swooped. I took Mayhem for a cortisol vacation (it’s a real thing, google showed me) since it’s been nothing but change for her for 8 months.

The home was immaculate. I mean, I was looking for dust and finally found some on day 5. The pup is an older, extremely well behaved Labrador. She poops on command.

And this is what I learned (besides that by comparison my house is filthy):

1. Mayhem does not need 2+ miles a day. Oh she’ll do it, but she’s almost 8 years old and doing so kept her body in a state of stress. Short bits of training and play, with every third day or so getting a long walk is enough.

2. I was keeping myself in a constant state of stress by running these dogs all over the place when they didn’t need it. Yeah, 6 miles a day is a great way to lose weight, but I was physically and mentally exhausted.

3. My husband’s laid back vibe that drives me crazy sometimes was good for the pups at home. Olive was less clingy, while Ruckus and Pepper kept each other fully entertained.

4. I can relax at home and not constantly worry about what dog needs what. They are fine.

I actually sat and read this weekend and didn’t exhaust myself. It was great.

My Countdown

I had a countdown going on for a minute there. It was for my vacation, in case you were curious. I had all kinds of plans for the blog countdown – a quick post daily, photos of the dogs every day so then I could make a cute video. Whole lotta nope.

I can think of two schools of thought to that – either I’m putting too much pressure on myself to do something that is a hobby, OR, stop being a lazy, procrastinating asshole. You can probably tell I agree more with the latter. Because I am a jerk. An undisciplined jerk.

Now that I’ve explained, I need a new countdown date. I have a bday with a zero in it coming up, so I could do that. No I will not say which decade I will be entering because you would be shocked, shocked and dismayed, by my immaturity. My emotional development stopped somewhere in the high teens but luckily I have other qualities that balance that out. Or that’s what I’m assuming because I do have friends that aren’t family and I am married so someone likes me.

Holy crap I just googled it’s less than 60 days until I am ?0.

Days 46-47

Did I tell you I grew up in a boarding school? Well, I grew up in a boarding school. One of the first things they did will drill in the importance of schedules. We all (twenty or so) would have to sit in the common room and draw our own schedule charts.

This is good when you are young and wild and unruly. Now, I think I would be considered in the more stringent term of “regimented”, which can make things a wee bit boring. This was kind of the point of this blog, to make me think about my days because you can pretty much set your clock by me.

I know my dogs do. Especially Mayhem. And she likes it. When I do something out of order or the timing of things are disrupted, she is fully aware.

However, for me, the human, it makes it hard for me to change things up. You know, thrill myself by vacuuming in the morning instead of the afternoon, pushing back snuggle time to work on a project. I will want to work out, or do some writing, but discover I’m 15 minutes past my target start time so I won’t do it, then start early on the next thing. Oooo an extra load of laundry. Goody. And so I get bored. Cage of my own making.

Anyhow, just thoughts, and me mixing up my evening by doing this blah blah post.