I was going to write a post for Mother’s Day, but I didn’t. It took me a little bit to realize why – it’s because my Mother’s Day was stinky.
I was a young single mom, and now my child is grown. I visited her a few months ago where it became apparent to me that although she likes texting me when I’m at my home, 2000 miles away, she does not enjoy my physical company. While I was there, sometimes she was rude, would say mean things but in a sweet voice, or go in to her room to nap and not come out for many hours. And I could see in her face – it was lockdown mode, like a garage door bumping down shut, and then her eyes drift off to her lower right – processing. Sometimes that she was both tolerating me and also not wanting to disappoint me. It’s a tough spot.
I understand there’s always a bit of regression when a child is near their parent, but when the parent travels 2000 miles just to do some things and spend some time, no need to be rude. I realized during that trip that I am now old and she is just not interested. Some of it is phase of life stuff, since I remember being her age and not super interested in my parents and feeling like I had to amuse them while they visited, instead of freaking unclenching and enjoying spending time with them like a normal human being (Oh my God I sound like my parents).
But also, because we grew up together, I think she feels a lot of responsibility for me emotionally, and now that she’s newly married with a husband who really depends on her, I don’t think she can carry the emotional burden of both of us. Not that I asked her to, but I’m thinking maybe she believes it’s baked into our relationship.
One Week Later
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Objectively, not personally. And I think I’ve found the answer:
I need to get a life.
Because for me: that just makes life better, right? Living life. Not waiting around for something to happen. And because for her: having a mom that is living life instead of shaking in the corner is so much better.
Simple shit, but I’m a slow learner.
freckled crab 