Life

Well, I Got My “Next”.

So I was looking for my “next”, right? My husband got transferred to South Dakota. Sounds exciting, right? It is!

But we will be moving from Florida, and have two dogs and four cats and that is stressing me out. Nobody there wants to rent to cats.

I understand that, but….but….

My husband has to report in early March. We have to sell our home and mobilize, so he will be going before me.

Panicky Thoughts

  • How do we get the animals there? Drug them a drive for two days?
  • We need a short term rental for us while we look for a home
  • Or do we put a bid on a house when we put ours up for sale with a contingency?
  • WHERE THE HELL AM I GOING TO WORK?!? I’ve been at the same country club for 12 years!!!!
  • Where do we get the money to do home improvements to sell?

Haaaaaaalp!!!

Life

Professional Coffee Rainstorm Dog Word Mangler

It’s been a good ten days since I took the pressure off. The constant narrative of “I should be writing, I should be writing”, once gone, is such a relief.

I found myself in a better mood, more relaxed, able to laugh more. I even enjoyed a movie or two. And then…

The voice started again. How would I describe this room, that person? Tighten it up and make it concise?

I read a book. Listened to an audiobook, tried to tease apart the details in Sherlock Holmes (which I listen to every night as a lullaby).

I read over my old writings. They’re the same as now – not that good, but with some insights and humorous parts, but too self absorbed for an audience. I really entertain myself, but others? Not really. There’s a lot of skill that goes in to that, and I haven’t learned it.

For now, I love words, books, the escapism and the relatable humor. But I also love dogs, rainstorms, going for a run and coffee. Doesn’t mean I’m going to make a career out of it.

I really do have to find my Next.

Life

Me = ????

My defining inner dialogue (since I was about 15) was that I wanted to be a writer. I may have been wrong.
And that, dear friends, is like walking around nekkid. 

It was my dream job, but I never chased it – just mused about it and got frustrated. Everything was holding me back! I couldn’t be a writer because because because. 

The last few days I’ve been paying attention to how I structured my life, what I enjoy doing, what I make time for, and writing isn’t one of them. 

Maybe I’ve been wrong for 30 years. 

So, my next experiment is to remove it from my head. Not a writer. Writing a novel/movie/kids book is not a goal of mine. That leaves a huge void, and I need to figure out what to fill it up with.  

Kind of like an elimination diet, but in a mid-life crisis sort of way.

Habits, Life, Self help

Hello Me, It’s Me.

It’s tough watching your friends beat themselves up with their shoulds and shouldn’ts, running the circular track of their patterns.

I’m sure I do it to. I’m trying to stop it, so here I am.

“I’m grocery shopping by myself on a Saturday night,” one complained. “It’s so pathetic.”

How is it pathetic, I think. It’s just grocery shopping. Who cares when it is? Do you know how many moms would love the opportunity to shop sans kids on any night?

But it means something to her, symbolically. There is a dialogue going on in her head that only makes sense to her; entire conversations on how lame her life is. 

For some reason it struck me. I guess because it seemed ridiculous to me, so what do I say to myself that, if said out loud to others, would seem just as pointless?

What am I telling myself that keeps me running the same loop? And what’s the payoff? If I keep doing the same things, I must get some type of benefit. I think it’s time to really start listening to my inner-me-chatter. I think maybe it’s time for that bitch to go.

Life

What A Podcast Can Do

I’m listening to a podcast that is telling a real story about a mentally abusive and manipulative man. In it, interviewees are talking about the red flags of his behavior and things he did, which eventually led to his death. 

As I listen, I’m learning about how emotionally abd mentally abisove my ex-husband was. When I was married to him, I thought things were off, that the rug was constantly being yanked out from under me. But now I am listening to similar behaviors being described about someone else, and the impressions it left on people, and while I’m listening I’m thinking “oh yeah, I know that move” and “jeez that’s familiar”.

I was with him for a long time. I know him like the back of my hand, and I didn’t know him at all.

I have found out, just recently, about things he did (and didn’t do) when we were together. 

I learned that I can’t believe anything he ever said to me unless it was substantiated by a third person. Let me modify that – a third person who I personally knew would not lie for him. In our 13 years together, I only know one, and we didn’t go around that person that much.

I told my current husband about it, that I may be more affected than I thought I was, but he said it was ok, he kinda knew but married me anyway. He is on the business of reading people and interviewing them, so there’s not a lot I can hide, even unintentionally.

Gosh. I hope I don’t have nightmares tonight.

Habits

Between Two Walks

I did not forget again. Well, I remembered, then I forgot, and then I remembered. I really thought that writing every day for just a few minutes would be a piece of cake, but as I try to do it I didn’t realize what a time crunch I am living in. No wonder I always felt so harassed all the time.

But at the same time, it doesn’t Beyoncé only have 24 hours in a day? Granted she may have some assistance and “people”, but then again I am not doing a world tour or have any photo shoots coming up. At least not yet.

So far this experiment has been illuminating. I didn’t realize that I was always rushed for a reason. I thought I just had a bad attitude. Nay, my life says, your inability to write on a regular basis is confirmed due to life.

Going forward I think I’ll have to write prep more – like get all the meals planned and not hit the snooze button in the morning. Even this had taken me dictating during a morning dog walk and finishing up after an evening dog walk. 

I don’t know how I’m gonna do it but I have to find a way.

Habits, Self help

I Don’t Need A Hug, I Need To Run Laps

Most of the self-help out there is crap. I know because I write some of it. 

Motivational posts, writings on wellbeing, bringing “balance” to your life (I just had to spell check “balance”, that shows much of it I don’t have).

I suppose it must work for some, or maybe not at all since it’s a huge industry and people keep consuming more of it looking for answers. 

Every day it’s a struggle for me. There are only so many hours in the day, so it’s not about balance, my day is about priorities. And never mind about support. My husband will do something if I chase him down about it, but that’s more in the nagging genre.

I have been self-helping for 20 years, and it hasn’t changed me much. My fault, you say. Maybe. But I am who I am.

However, I may have found an ally. Have you heard of Gary John Bishop? I bought one of his audiobooks, mostly because I liked the cover – I’m a sucker for tattoos. One morning commute I found myself laughing as he was yelling in his thick Scottish accent “You’re going to die! Everyone dies! That’s it!”

This is someone I could get behind. 

I don’t want to analyze my relationship with food, or someone to tell me to explore my childhood, or to meditate. I need an ass kick and someone to tell me to knock it off. 

I don’t need therapy. I need a drill sergeant.

Habits, Running

Oops. Running, Not Writing.

Shut up it’s been over a week since I posted. 

It’s a shame, cause I write all the time. In my head. During commute, walking the dogs, making my coffee. Always when I’m doing something else and my hands are occupied. Relevant and interesting topics too. Swear.

This morning I did a little Halloween 5k run with my sister. We used to do half marathons and she considered a full marathon for a while, but those days are behind me for now. I did Disney runs where it was 10k one day and a half marathon the next, mostly for the three medals I would get, but training takes up too much time. I would be getting up at 5 am seven days a week. Pass on that. 

Difference: I got married, and now have two dogs. Keeping a Labrador and Australian Cattle Dog tired past the point of destruction is a part time job in itself. Now with a longer commute (It used to be 4 minutes! FOUR MINUTES! The sacrifice I made for love!), and a husband that likes to snuggle, changes had to be made. 

The 5k was fun, and I’ll post pictures later when my sister sends them to me. We are doing a Turkey Trot next month, and I want to improve my time. I have the running mindset of longer distances, which is very hang back-hang back-ok now GO. Must learn to push earlier and longer. Nothing like being 10 minutes behind a lady pushing a double stroller to motivate you, regardless of how badass she is (monster!).

Still can’t believe how much I lagged in my new writing goal. Learned, I have. This is going to take a little more concentration.

Venting, Work

3% to Perspective 

The company I’m working for is slashing the budget. They overspent, this year and over estimated this years income. They couldn’t live up to it. Now, it’s time to pay the piper.

Last year I got a 4% raise, the year before – nada. This year, they project a 3% raise for me. I don’t make a lot of money so the increase isn’t much.

I know the debates – be thankful for a job, that I’m getting anything….I know I’m not alone in that I do the job of several positions. Three, that I’m aware of. I’ve also been there over a decade.

I didn’t mean for a bitchfest post, but that’s all that’s been on my mind today. 

I suppose I should try to focus on something else.

Last week I really worked on my sleep quotient. It was a real effort to make sure I got the recommended 7-8 hours. I didn’t realize that I was only getting about 6 until I took a moment to figure it out.

This is boring too. Not enough sleep, not enough money – what a whiner. My problems aren’t really “problems”, are they? Just crap to complain about, a distraction.

Hmm. A boring post but it’s brought me some perspective.