Category Archives: Uncategorized

Bad Internet Part II – The Point

I have to be willing to make a hot loud mess of things sometimes to get the life that I want.

When I look at my life there are some things that stand out that I didn’t do that I wish I did. Wanna hear em? Yeah you do.

In no particular order:

  • Outrigger canoe club in high school (yes we had that)
  • Taking that one job in Northern California that helped people learn to read. I still remember the interviewers name, almost 30 years later (I just tried to google her name is too common)
  • Applying to that design college
  • Go to college for journalism
  • Learned to surf

Ok there’s a lot more but they aren’t that interesting, and the point is: I was too scared/intimidated to do those things, and when I look back now through my Old Lady Lens, I know I was totally capable. If only I wasn’t such a big SCARDY CAT! Still am.

Hmmm. I should get to the bottom of that so I’ll stop being a spaz and self sabotaging.

So it’s not that I am afraid of making a mess, it’s that I’m afraid of failing.

Ugh. Cliche. But who the hell isn’t?

Days 32-45

My developmental editor ghosted me. Is that a sign?

I’ve been working with her for two months, and have learned a lot. I’ve been trying (mostly thinking) about writing this book for over a decade. Just recently I got serious about it and decided I needed some real hand-holding. I was overthinking things and totally lost. So I found her off of a reputable resource.

Anyway, sent off my payment for February, did my assigned work, and on our zoom day, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard a word.

This made me question everything. I took it to the whole drama level-is this indicative of my future? Am I wasting my time? Should I just give up?

WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE I’M A FAILURE!!!

For a whole day I wallowed, I cried, I had a mini breakdown. I walked the dogs until they resented me. Truthfully, it was due.

But I woke up today better. I just dread the email I have to send her asking for my money back. I don’t know what’s with me being nice to people who aren’t nice to me. I think: how long should I give her? What if there is a real excuse? Should I wait for her to reach out?

I think I’ll wait until Monday afternoon…see if she reaches out. If not, I will, but I have to break it off. This is not cool. What could be a legit excuse? Death in the family? She’s in the hospital? Those are probably the only two. What the difference is in 24 hours I dunno.

Thanks for talking this out with me.

Pls no more walkies only cookies

Day 4

  • The high today was -2
  • The low today (will be in about 2 hours) -25
  • Mayhem’s surgery went well. Vet techs gave me all these instructions about what she can and cannot do, how much to eat, drink…but they couldn’t get her down the hall by themselves and she had already gotten out of her cone – I had to go get her LOL
  • Vet invoices already sent on to pet insurance. Hey, everyone, get pet insurance
  • Poor Olive wants to hike and walk, but the snow is so cold it burns, and when it hurts she doesn’t hold her paw up for help – she lays down in the snow. I had to drag all 70 lbs of her out of the unplowed cul-de-sac
  • I’m beat

I’m Still Here

Death was following me around for a little while, and I feel like I’m finally coming out of the dark. In 2020 my Labrador died slowly, then my Dad died quickly, then in 2021 my grandfather passed, and then a dog I adopted. All in less than a year.

My heart and my mind were heavy. Leaden, really. I knew in my head that others lost more, but it was still hard.

I don’t remember the holidays last year, or the ones the year before. Thank god I keep a planner otherwise I wouldn’t remember anything that happened or when. Everything is like in a big soup in my brain. That’s right, I was supposed to research trauma stages today and just remembered.

So that’s where I’ve been, in my Me-Soup. But what I’ve learned is: adopt another dog, it won’t be the same but they will still bring joy; and be a fierce and unapologetic advocate in a family members healthcare, no matter what doctors or facilities say.

But like I said, I’m seeing an end, and so a beginning. I’m thankful for my family, for two healthy pups, for bending over in laughter with my husband, for watching deer cross my lawn. You know. Small but big stuff.